The Real Haynes Manual...

[Blitzen]

The real Haynes manual definitions
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*>
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
>
> Haynes: Should remove easily.
> Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner
> then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
>
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
> then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
> then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
> you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
>
> Haynes: Pry...
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>
> Haynes: Undo...
> Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
>
> Haynes: Ease ...
> Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
>
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
>
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
> dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
>
> Haynes: Lightly...
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
> are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now
> cannot be considered "lightly".
>
> Haynes: Weekly checks...
> Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
>
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
>
> Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
> Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it
> up?
>
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
> tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
> map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
> you).
>
> Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
> Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and
> that your AA cover includes Home Start.
>
> Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
>
> Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
> Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
> Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
> mention it to your insurance company.
>
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
>
> Haynes: Compress...
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
> throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
> garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
>
> Haynes: Inspect...
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
> looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
> thought, it's going to need a new one"!
>
> Haynes: Carefully...
> Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
>
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
>
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> Translation: But you swear in different places.
>
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> Translation: Snap off...
>
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
>
> Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
> Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone
> use a hacksaw.
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
> adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: Index
> Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
> do!
>
> Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of
> bicycle chain.
> Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with
> a hammer.
>
> Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
> Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
>
> Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
> Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing
> upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid
> from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and
> will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
>
> Haynes: See illustration for details
> Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
> exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
> variant model.
>
>
> HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
>
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used
> as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
> we are trying to hit.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
> mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
> and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
> future becomes.
>
> MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
> to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
> objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
> brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles,
> they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've
> been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in
> about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
> installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
> under the front wing.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
> hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
> times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
> the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
> not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
> howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
> its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
> and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the
> name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
> burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
> that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts
> last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
>
> PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[Stan]

funny because it is all true