Many random jokes- Most of them offensive. :)

**Preen59** · 09-09-2010, 08:29 PM

I was at the pub the other day.. A chick came up to me and pointed at my beer gut. She said "VB or Tooheys?" I said "No idea, but there's a tap underneath if you want a taste.."

The missus asked me where i'd like to be buried....... Apparently balls deep in her sister wasn't an acceptable answer.

Went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor is a young, drop dead gorgeous female doctor. I was a little embarrassed initially, but she said "Don't worry, i'm a professional. I've seen it all before, just tell me what's wrong and i'll help you in any way i can." I said "I think my cock tastes funny...."

Little Johnny was walking out of church last sunday when the Priest shouted "See you later, Alligator!" Trying to sound cool. Johnny replied "In a while, pedophile!"

Not long ago my mate started nailing a pair of twins... I curiously asked him "How do you tell the difference?" He said "Easy, Susie has blonde hair and Gary has a moustache!"

I think I messed up my blind date the other night. She said to me "What does your pet hate?" I said "Getting things shoved up it's arse."

Why did the canibal eat the clown? Because he tasted funny.

Why are Pirates Pirates? Because they ARRRRRRRREEE.

Have you ever been constipated, stuck on the toilet and thought to yourself "I don't have time for this *****!"?

A black boy goes to the doctor because he can't stop jogging on the spot. The doctor puts a line of white powder on the desk and says "Here, snort this. It'll fix you." As soon as he snorts it, he stops jogging. He says "Wow, good stuff! Is that coke?" Dr says "No, you silly black ****, it's OMO, it stops colours from running!"

Q: How can you tell Thomas the tank engine smokes weed?
A: Because he's always choofing!

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so willing to commit suicide.. But lets have a look at the evidence-

- No Christmas
- No TV
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some prick in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You wipe your arse with your hand
- You cook over burning camel ****
- Your wife is picked by someone else
- Your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you "When you die, it all gets better!"

No **** Sherlock, it couldn't get much worse!!

A man hires a hitman to kill his wife. Hitman says "I will shoot her just below the left nipple." Man says "Gees mate, I want her dead- not kneecapped!!"

I have more, but maybe later.