Humour section

[bazzle]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL....

If you've ever had a cat, you will know just how true this is!

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.

Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.....

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.



That's what I like about dogs!!!

[bazzle]

One lazy Sunday morning, the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table, when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other ar$ehole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another ar$ehole?"

[bazzle]

Centrelink Fairy




A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside
the Centrelink Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you've
just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children -- all costs
to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I
want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth
in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight
bedrooms - and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest
of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring
them all over here'.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a
sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and
said "I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags
and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a
dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth
back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?
Where's my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to
sweet f*** all, just like the rest of us".

And she disappeared.........

[bazzle]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.




I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"



Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"



I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a Taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its all right boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.


Spent $40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



An old lady is being examined by the Dr. he asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.



Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my ar$e!
Do you think I should change dentists?

[bazzle]

THE NEVER ENDING SOAP OPERA OF MARGARET & BERT








Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over.. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?"

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
__________________

[Cossor]

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from OBrienGlass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car.

Edit: Sorry guys just realised ive put this in the wrong place

Yeah. We can all see through your attempts to dodge the sensible request.
After all, this is a VW appreciation site, and a car lovers site, not a site for posting thinly disguised innuendo!
(Innuendo? Spanish suppository )
But in all sincerity, post's to do with cars and car problems, fantastc. Never mind someone singing about FRIDAY

[Cossor]

"Spent $40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass! "

A room with a view?

[hooba]

Look what they did to this Mx-5 - click linky

[hooba]

[ryana89]